6:00 – Return from work, together with your Significant Other. You want to stay in and cook. Significant Other wants to go out and drink.
6:05 – You attempt to convince Significant Other to stay home. Significant Other attempts to convince you to go out.
6:10 – Efforts at persuasion become passive aggressive swipes. Passive aggressive swipes become pointed accusations and indictments of each other’s behavior in general.
6:15 – Incoherent shouting and wild gesturing from you; deadpan and dismissive responses from Significant Other. The cats hide.
6:20 – Significant Other leaves.
6:25 – You text your bff and your mom to tell them about the J-E-R-K you are dating. They send sympathetic replies.
6:30 – You log on to Facebook and stalk the profile of That One Guy From Eighth Grade. You fantasize about the wonderful evening you might be having if you had ended up with him.
6:31 – You see the most recent photos uploaded of That One Guy From Eighth Grade and are so, so glad you shot him down.
6: 32 – You remember that you are MAD.
6:33 – You pour yourself a very large glass of wine and run a hot bath. You put on some Sarah McLaughlin.
6:57 – You are singing along to “Fallen” and crying. You text your mom from the bathtub. You may be a little bit tipsy.
7:00 – Getting out of the bathtub, you realize you are hungry. You turn off the music and head to the kitchen. Syndicated comedy plays on the TV in the background as you chop onions and mince garlic, and you catch yourself laughing.
7:08 – You realize you aren’t mad anymore, and you’re only crying now because of the onions.
7:57 – Dinner is almost ready. You’ve made dinner for two. You wonder if you should call Significant Other, or just let him be.
8:10 – Significant Other walks through the front door. He wanders off to check his email, but then he smells dinner and finds you in the kitchen. He gives you a hug. He doesn’t say anything. Neither do you.
8:11 – “I’m sorry,” he says finally. “Me too,” you say.
8:15 – You sit down together to eat. There is wine. There is talk about your respective days. He tells you about the friends he bumped into at the bar (they say hello). There is more talk, talk about everything.
10:45 – Talking becomes flirting. Flirting becomes propositioning. Propositioning becomes daring. Daring becomes touching. Touching becomes playful dancing in the living room to no music at all.
11:00 – Dancing leads to exactly what your pastor warned you it would.
12:00 – What your pastor warned you about leads to deep and peaceful sleep, wrapped in your Significant Other’s arms.