Sometimes when I’m idly browsing one of the social networking sites, I’ll come across long-lost acquaintances. The people I didn’t have much to say to then, and have nothing to say to now. But lately I’ve been noticing something that almost, almost makes me want to speak up.

A lot of girls I know from a long time ago, back when I was incredibly naive and way before I became a heathen strumpet, have gotten married. Predictably so; few good evangelical Christian girls go on to become bawdy fornicating apostates the way I have. But an alarming number of them have gone on to marry young men with raging gay face.

I don’t know these young men, obviously, and I know nothing about the couples’ relationships. Still, the sexual naivete encouraged by evangelical Christianity means that the young women are innocent, inexperienced, and unlikely to even consider the possibility that the boy who is marrying them might turn out to be gay. To be fair, many of the young men may not know it themselves, having been discouraged from exploring their own sexuality. But a lot of them probably do know it, and also know the social price they would have to pay if they were to come out. Or they just can’t accept their own reality, having been taught that homosexuals are hell-bound degenerates. So, the young men marry good Christian girls and everything is OK until twenty years and three kids later he can’t take it anymore and gets busted for soliciting a blow job at a truck stop.

I remember reading an article not long ago, where a married thirty-something woman pregnant with her fourth child found out she had syphilis. She was understandably baffled, considering she was a virgin when she was married and had only ever slept with her husband of 15 years. The scenario didn’t leave much of a mystery, obviously; she confronted her husband and found out that he’d been having unprotected sex with lots and lots of men. Naturally, she was shocked.

But then she began thinking back on the marriage, and it started to make sense. It had been really easy for them to stay “pure” before the wedding, because he never put the moves on her. And even on the wedding night, he didn’t seem terribly enthused about making love for the first time. And then then there was the fact that the only sex position he ever wanted was from behind with her lying face down on her stomach.

I felt bad for the woman. At the same time, I wondered how stupid you had to be to end up married to someone for 15 years and not catch on to the fact that they were not sexually attracted to you or anyone of your gender.
But the reality is that if you’ve never slept with anyone else, you would not necessarily catch on. You wouldn’t know that you were just some guy’s beard; if you were an unsullied virgin practicing a homophobic religion, it would not occur to you that a man would marry you to keep his penis-preference on the down low. You can’t figure out you’re sleeping with the enemy if you’ve never slept with an ally; if you’ve never slept with anything at all, you’re not just refusing to try before you buy — you’re leaving the store blind and broke.

Which is to say that I don’t actually feel that bad for all these proper Christian ladies having their middle age scandalized by the homosexual antics of their good Christian husbands. Most of them would have been quick to judge the women who tried on many men for size before settling down; maybe now they understand that ultimately the women who’ve been around the block are the ones most likely to know the way.